TBI Survivor Blog Series 2023 - Figuring out Proprioception and Finding Safety
No, I Don’t Need a Bubble: Figuring out Proprioception and Finding Safety
By: Laurie Thomas
I did it again. I hit my head. And with that, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of symptom checking, wondering, and waiting. Is it a concussion? Is it just an inflammatory response? Maybe it’s just my autonomic nervous system reminding me that it’s time to fight and flee yet again.
After my 2017 concussion, I experienced an immediate headache, but the rest of my symptoms rolled out in a particularly nasty parade. All the classics weaved their way into my world, including light and sound sensitivity, dizziness, nausea, anxiety, insomnia, vision problems, memory issues, brain fog, and trouble forming words and sentences. The grand marshal decided to stick around long after the parade had been cleaned up and the visitors had gone home though. Since my injury, I have struggled with my proprioception. Such a fancy word for knowing where my body is in space. Walking through a store feels like floating 2 feet off the ground. Walls are used to track my way and my vision is there to keep me grounded. Dizziness is more common than stability and my body constantly wonders what is safe.
So, what happens when I’m reaching down into the cupboard? Or bending over to retrieve laundry from the dryer? Or going down the stairs in the dark? Well, usually I lose my bearings and hit or otherwise hurt part of myself. Sometimes that part is my head. You can’t imagine the dread that comes with such accidents. Well, maybe you can. Either way, join me as I explain.
Last week, I knelt to put groceries away and stood up triumphantly after winning the game of refrigerator Jenga. That’s when I heard it: “WHACK”. That’s when I saw it: my freezer door. That’s when I felt it: a very unwelcome headache. After doing too much for a month, I was feeling particularly “off,” and didn’t realize my body was still in the fridge when I stood up.
Something so simple set off a mighty cascade of wonder. I wasn’t initially worried; I knew the amount of force required for a concussion was far greater than I would have generated. But the headache that settled in for 4 days really made me wonder if I was stronger than I realized. That’s what started my trip down memory lane. Recalling the symptoms from my last 3 concussions. Remembering the psychologist who told me I had likely never incurred a concussion and simply needed to calm down. Thinking of the neurologists who confirmed I had concussions but telling me they couldn’t help. Gritting my teeth at all the people telling me I needed to live in a bubble or wear a helmet. Dreading the lost income, the lost connections, the limitations….
Those memories are a powerful force. But I didn’t let them take over. I told the big band and parade marshal to pack up and go home. I took the hint that I needed to slow down and practice some grounding. I reassured myself that I would be okay whatever symptoms came my way. I listened to my body as it asked for rest and set out a schedule to gradually get back to my busy life. I also checked in with my physiotherapist and other practitioners to support my nervous system. And slowly I started to feel safe again.
I won’t pretend like it’s easy. It’s hard given that my new normal looks so different from my old – symptoms hanging around like the barricades marking the parade route. But to make the most out of my new normal, I have to keep trying. With my own support and that of others, I can do it again and again.
Laurie Thomas’ Bio:
My entire life, I have loved reading and writing, and I’m lucky enough to do what I love as an editor, writer, and mom. Although I have sustained multiple concussions throughout my life (All my clumsy, unlucky friends, raise your hands!), I have not lost my love of learning and communicating. Even when my speech was slurred or the words of others didn’t make sense, I found ways to connect with what brought me joy. I hope my stories can help you smile in recognition and hope.